If you talk sports regularly I’m sure you’ve encountered can’t-wait-to-tell-you-all-about-my-fantasy-team-guy. He’s a fellow sports fan, so you try to make small talk:
“So, you think the Brewers are for real?” you ask, soon to realize you’ve made a mistake that will cost you the next 5-14 minutes of your life.
“I dunno, but I have J.J. Hardy on two fantasy teams, so I hope at least he can keep it up,” responds can’t-wait-to-tell-you-all-about-my-fantasy-team-guy. “My brother-in-law offered me C.C. Sabathia straight up for him, and I don’t know if I should do it. I think I’m going to try to milk a closer out of him, but saves are really valuable so…(slow fade into Charlie Brown-teacher-voice)”
Just like that you aren’t talking sports anymore. The chat might as well be about Dungeons and Dragons, except instead of 20-sided die and demons you have 20-man rosters and Devil Rays.
When the conversations turns to fantasy sports I usually spend the next 15 minute doing the polite not-listening nod while singing sitcom theme songs in my head. I like to start off with “Eight is Enough” is keep me in good spirits, but if the guy starts going into details about his waiver wire strategy I can’t help but hum “Suicide is Painless.”
This doesn’t make any sense. I should be that guy talking your ear off. I love sports. I’m a wannabe stat head and have read Moneyball twice. Fantasy sports were made for dudes like me. I would like to think I could out general manage my closest friends and coworkers and take great pleasure in doing so. But the fact is I can’t. I suck. And I’m quitting.
I’m dwelling the cellars of both fantasy baseball leagues I was so excited to sign up for just three months ago. But just like my basketball team and football team before that, I lost interest and stopped maintaining my squads just a few weeks into the season. I can see why people are obsessed with winning these leagues. There’s strategy, trash talking, and it adds a new dynamic to watching games on TV. I just don’t get that rush I see in some guys’ eyes when they land the No. 1 draft pick or pull off a blockbuster trade.
So congratulations friends and co-workers. You’ve broken me with your thorough fantasy beat downs. I will watch my baseball teams get crushed through the summer. Maybe I’ll even try to swing a trade or two. But after that, I’m retiring from the pretend-sports circuit for good. You will not tempt me with your promises of taking home a bobble head if I win the league championship. I’ve realized that’s never going to happen. Enjoy your hobby. I’m going to sit back and watch the game.
